5. Hell’s Handyman

An engineer died and went to Hell.

The devil was shocked because engineers don’t usually go there. Hell was a mess: the AC was busted, the pool was empty, and everything was broken.

The engineer got to work fixing things. He fixed the AC, filled the pool, and even made the roads better.

God saw that everyone in Hell was having fun, which wasn’t right. He asked the devil what was going on.

The devil said, “That engineer you sent here has been fixing everything. He’s made Hell a nice place!”

God said, “What? Engineers don’t belong in Hell! That was a mistake. Send him back so I can put him in Heaven!”

The devil said, “No way, we like him here.”

God said, “Send him back, or I’ll sue you!”

The devil laughed and said, “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”

6. The Big-Time Lawyer

Joe left his small town to go to college and law school. He became a lawyer and went back to his hometown because he wanted to be a big deal there.

He opened his own office, but no one came at first. One day, he saw a man walking toward his office. Joe wanted to impress this man, so he pretended to be on the phone.

When the man walked in, Joe started talking loudly on the phone, saying things like, “No way! Tell those guys in New York I want $1 million! I’m going to court next week! My team is the best! We’re going to win for sure! Yeah, the judge already knows I’m right! No, I don’t care what they offer, we’re not backing down!”

He talked like this for a long time while the man waited. Finally, Joe hung up the phone and said to the man, “Sorry I took so long, I’m really busy. What can I do for you?”

The man answered, “I’m here to install your phone line.”

7. Chick Magnet

A man from the city moved to the countryside and wanted to try farming. He went to the farm store and said, “I’ll take 100 baby chicks.”

The store worker gave him the chicks.

A week later, the man came back and said, “I need 200 baby chicks this time.” The worker gave him the chicks.

Another week passed, and the man returned. He said, “Give me 500 baby chicks.”

“Wow,” the worker said, “you must be doing great!”

“Nope,” the man sighed. “I’m either putting them in the ground too deep or too far apart.”

8. Bachelors

Two single guys were chatting, and they started talking about cooking.

“I got a cookbook last year,” the first guy said, “but I couldn’t make anything from it.”

“Was it too hard?” the second guy asked.

“Totally! Every recipe started the same way: ‘Get a clean plate and…'”

9. Copy That?

A new worker was puzzled by the office shredder.

“Want some help?” offered a nearby secretary.

“Yes,” he said, “how do I use this?”

“Easy,” she replied, taking his thick report and putting it in the shredder.

“Thanks,” he smiled, “but what side do the copies come out?”

10. Whoa, Amen!

A man got lost in the desert. After wandering for weeks, he found a small house. He was tired and weak, so he crawled to the house and fainted.

The owner of the house, a kind and religious man, found him and helped him get better. When the man felt stronger, he asked for directions to the nearest town.

As he was leaving, he saw a horse. He asked the owner if he could borrow it. The owner agreed but said, “To make the horse go, say ‘Thank God.’ To make it stop, say ‘Amen.'”

The man didn’t really listen and said, “Okay, sure.” He got on the horse and said, “Thank God,” and the horse started walking. He said, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse started running. Feeling brave, the man shouted, “Thank God, thank God, thank God!” and the horse went even faster.

Suddenly, he saw a cliff ahead. He tried to stop the horse, yelling, “Whoa, stop!” Then he remembered, “Amen!”

The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The man took a deep breath and said, “Thank God.”

11. Nutty Natter

A man went into a bar and ordered a beer. As he was drinking, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie!” He looked around, but he and the bartender were the only ones there. Then the voice said, “I like your shirt!” Confused, the man called the bartender over.

“Am I losing it?” he asked. “I keep hearing voices telling me nice things, but no one else is here.”

“It’s the peanuts,” the bartender answered.

“What?” the man asked.

“The peanuts,” the bartender said again. “They’re complimentary.”