Known to frequently utter, “don’t touch me!” Howie Mandel shocked everyone in September 2023 as he tightly embraced Reba McEntire on the stage of The Voice.

The comedian, who has a debilitating fear of germs, gave into his excitement and couldn’t resist the magnetic pull of the country music star. While in the spotlight, Mandel seems energetic and happy, but off screen, he explains he’s a “scared” man, who out of the spotlight prefers to live “in the fetal position.” And recently, he made a shocking confession, revealing how he manages the OCD that guides him to “absolute hell.”

Keep reading to learn more! The nightmare of the global pandemic unleashed the inner germaphobe in many people, sensitizing the population to the dangers of contamination. For many, that fear only lasted a couple of years, but for others, the fear of germs is never-ending and debilitating.

“There isn’t a waking moment of my life when ‘we could die’ doesn’t come into my psyche,” says Howie Mandel, who has struggled with severe anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) since he was a child. Speaking with People, the 68-year-old TV personality explains that the pandemic was especially triggering.

“But the solace I would get would be the fact that everybody around me was okay. It’s good to latch onto okay. But [during the pandemic] the whole world was not okay. And it was absolute hell.” The Mayo Clinic describes OCD as a “pattern of unwanted thoughts and fears known as obsessions. These obsessions lead you to do repetitive behaviors, also called compulsions.”

These obsessions and compulsions get in the way of daily activities and cause a lot of distress. “I’m living in a nightmare,” says the Canadian-born comic. “I try to anchor myself. I have a beautiful family,” says Mandel of his wife Terry (married in 1980) and their three kids, Alex, Riley, and Jackie.

“I love what I do. But at the same time, I can fall into a dark depression I can’t get out of.” Laughter is the best medicine. Mandel, who in 1982 had his big break on the medical drama *St. Elsewhere*, explains that every day is a struggle, but his humor helps him through. “My coping skill is finding the funny. If I’m not laughing, then I’m crying.”

“And I still haven’t been that open about how dark and ugly it really gets.” Noting that he uses comedy to resist the dangerous pull of OCD, Mandel adds, “I’m most comfortable on stage. And when I don’t have anything to do, I turn inward, and that’s not good.”